Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Randomize
