I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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