Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
