So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
