I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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