My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
