Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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