I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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