i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
