I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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