My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
