Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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