if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
