Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
