Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
