Best friends brother. Beat that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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