either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
