I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
