So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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