dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
