Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
