so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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