Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
