Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
