i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize