i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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