I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
