Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
