Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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