I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
