I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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