It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can't just leave with hair like that
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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