My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
