I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
