I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
