I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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