I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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