i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize