Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
