I cannot find my penis.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need a burrito and a hug.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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