when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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