I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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