It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
