Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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