I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
