WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
