I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
