I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
