every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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