I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
