Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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