can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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