I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Less talking, more tequila
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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