I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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