I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
we're so committed to being not committed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
