pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
