I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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