yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
bring money and cleavage
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
