Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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