So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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