Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
